Have had unavailable or unresponsive parent(s) Be highly independent Seek out isolation Stay emotionally distant Act friendly during social gatherings, but avoid closer relationships Keep strict boundaries Struggle to open up to people Use hints, complaints, or sulking to try to communicate feelings Become very upset when slighted Want relationships, but become uncomfortable when things become more intimate Get nervous when someone shows affection or vulnerability Rationalize anxiety related to intimacy as “the other person is irritating/clingy/dramatic” Get overwhelmed and push a loving person away Feel conflicted about close relationships
Offer dire predictions Promote pseudoscientific therapies such as rebirthing and holding therapy (also called “rage reduction” and the “Evergreen model”)
For example, if you’re stressed out about work, your first instinct is probably to internalize it rather than lean on your partner for support. [6] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source When your partner asks what’s bothering you, don’t deflect by saying, “I’m just tired. " Try something like, “To be honest, things are a bit weird at work right now and I’m worried about it. I’m working on a big project that isn’t going well. " Use “I” phrasing, like saying “I’m worried” or “I’m tired. "
For example, if you’re still bothered by an older conflict, tell the person that. You might say, “The argument we had last month about creating a college fund for the kids is still bothering me. Can we talk about it?” If you’re in the heat of an argument, stop and take a few deep breaths. Then, say something like, “What can we do to resolve this problem? I don’t want it to fester. ”
For example, you may assume that your partner thinks Valentine’s Day is silly because that’s how you feel. Ask something like, “I ignore Valentine’s Day every year because I think it’s unimportant. I’ve always assumed you felt the same way, but I’ve never asked you. Does it bother you that we don’t celebrate it?” Paraphrase their response to show them that you’re listening and get clarification if you need it. [10] X Research source
“It’s okay to be sad. I know this is important to you. " “I can see you’re really frustrated about this. It’s a tough situation. " “It sounds like you’re having a hard time. " “Wow, you’re really excited! Well, I’m happy for you!”
For example, you might say, “I know that I can be closed off sometimes and I really want to change that about myself. Can you be patient with me as I learn to let my guard down and get better at sharing my feelings?” You could also say, “In the past, I’ve had a tendency to hide my thoughts and feelings from my partners and I don’t want to do that with you. I want you to know that I’m trying hard not to repeat those patterns. ” Framing the issue as a project can be a good first step for dismissive avoidants. It allows you to take charge of the problem and retain a sense of control. [12] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
Make time to do something enjoyable with them. Surprise them with something nice. Do something for them. Give a small gift (even if it’s just a flower you picked from the roadside). Write them a nice note, email, or text. Compliment them. Say “I love you. "
For example, you might say to your partner, “I’ve been thinking about making an appointment with a couples counselor. I want to be a more emotionally available partner for you. What do you think?”
For example, imagine that you walk into a room to find your girlfriend crying. Your first instinct is probably to back slowly out of the room before she notices you. Instead, face her and ask her what’s wrong. Remind yourself that other people’s emotions have value and deserve attention. Even just sitting quietly next to them and offering a tissue if needed can be a way to show that you care and you’re here for them.
For example, pick up a project at work that requires you to work closely with at least one other person on a daily basis. Activities like team sports can be a low-key way of addressing the issue. You may be surprised to learn that avoiding collaboration is usually a defense mechanism rooted in social anxiety and fear of rejection. This can be uncomfortable, but look deep down and try to pinpoint why you avoid it.
If you don’t have anyone to call up, try to make some new friends. [15] X Research source You can meet new people by joining a club or sports team, taking a community college class, or volunteering at a local charity or animal shelter. If you’re shy, you might find it easier to build relationships with people online via social media, specialized communities, and message boards. These relationships can be just as important and fulfilling as traditional friendships.
You will probably find yourself enjoying most outings a lot more than you thought you would. If you don’t, think about why that might be. For example, did you feel uncomfortable because there were a lot of strangers? Next time, try low-key activities like going to the movies or dinner with a small group. If you felt awkward because the outing was too intimate, you may enjoy lighter activities like dinner parties or hitting a concert with a bigger group.
Solo therapy is a good way to dig a little deeper and uncover the source of your avoidant personality. Once you know the cause, overcoming it may be easier. [17] X Research source Try to find a therapist that specializes in attachment theory so you can tackle the issue directly. [18] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
